So my family asks me what I want for Christmas and I said “Bumper Stickers”.
Well they came through for me and I ended up with SO MANY stickers I couldn’t
possibly ever own enough cars to put them on. SO I did what any self-respecting
loud-mouth-antagonistic woman would do… I put as many on my van as I could
possibly fit! I chose the most politically/religiously out-there of the lot
without crossing the invisible line of morality I set for myself. I didn’t
put any cuss words on the van and I didn’t put any blatant “You’re wrong I’m
right so suck my goat-ass” kind of stickers although I certainly WANTED to.
As much as I enjoy the looks and the giggles when folks see the
stickers, and as much as I LOVE pushing buttons of those around me (especially
the close-minded sheep at my kids’ school) I can’t help but feel this twinge
of anger when I see one of the before-mentioned close-minded sheep respond
with a gasp and an incredulous look. I can’t help but feel like I’ve hit a
nerve with them and I want to grab them by the back of the head, smash their
face into the back of my van and scream at them to read it over and over
until it’s funny!
I feel like writing a rant and posting it in one of my van windows
about how I may be a mom, and drive the "mom-mobile" but just because my
vehicle LOOKS the part doesn't mean I need to act like all the other moms.
I'm not a soccer mom... I'm the ANTI-SOCCER MOM. I can be a good parent without
having to be a gutless spineless sheep following "god's" plan.... I can have
free thought and free-will... I can make good choices in life without having
to conform.... and just because I say shit with my bumper stickers doesn’t
make me the ultimate evil. I feel like telling each and every one of those
stuck-up god-fearing women to kiss my ass and suck my tailpipe for a while.
I feel like jumping out of the van and pasting a big fat bumper sticker on
their windshield that reads, “I am close-minded!” You know, super-hero-like….
Cape flying out behind me as I label all the mindless clones and force them
to wake the fuck up.
I can’t fit in with the Cookie-cutter moms with their fancy casual
clothes and their flawlessly bobbed hair; make-up applied perfectly and precisely
the same everyday. I can’t BE the suburban housewife who is content to drive
the offspring to school everyday then come home to watch Opra and eat bon-bons.
I can’t sit in a coffee shop gossiping about little Suzie’s mom and her scandalous
divorce and supposed affair. I cannot stand outside the kids’ school and listen
to the debate about Mrs. Rotten-Crotch being pregnant with her THIRD child
“doesn’t she know about birth control? Aren’t TWO kids enough for her? My
god when will that woman learn she doesn’t have to pump babies out every
year!” God forbid the person next to me look at herself and her FIVE kids
before she spews insults and rumors around about other people. Oh I’m sorry,
I forgot it’s OK to bad mouth your “Friends” when they aren’t around and
then kiss their ass when they walk up behind you, oblivious of the ghastly
things you’ve just said about them. All of a sudden it’s “Oh I’m so happy
for you! You must be excited about your third child! You’re such a good mom!”
My stomach twists into knots every time I witness these exchanges
and I can just IMAGINE what these “ladies” (and I use the term loosely) have
to say about me…. What they have to say about my children. Perhaps I’ll have
“Blysster.com: Speak Your Mind!” bumper stickers made and hand them out.
Wouldn’t they get a kick out of that? Wouldn’t they be surprised to find
that their little charade wasn’t so secret after all, that they were found
out and everyone knows they are back-stabbing little soccer-moms in the worst
sense of the word. Judgmental and Holier-than-thou with their heads so far
up their plastic surgery enhanced Asses they can’t see the world doesn’t
revolve around THEM and their gossip.
By now I’m sure you realize the typical “soccer-mom” attitude
bothers me. I mention this to several people at my kids’ school. I make it
clear I am not interested in gossip and I am not interested in talking about
the best solutions for getting make-up out of your favorite white shirt.
I’m there to join in the education of my children, I am there to support
and love my offspring. It’s not social hour for me and I don’t stand for
gossiping in my presence. When they start in on Mrs. Rotten-Crotch I make
it abundantly clear that I think Mrs. Rotten-Crotch would be interested to
know how they really feel. I fix them with a steely unfaltering gaze and
suddenly the topic gets changed.
I make them uncomfortable because I make them see their faults.
I make them face their OWN issues instead of picking on the low man on the
totem pole. They don’t like it when I point out their god would be unhappy
with the lies and deceit they are displaying. These so-called “Good Christian”
women have the gal to gawk and point at my bumper stickers when they don’t
even follow their own god’s laws. I didn’t see anything in their bible about
backstabbing and talking bad about other women in their community…. I could
be wrong
